Do I really have to tell you
this again?
“No. I’m not mad.”
Yes, I am.
“You just seem like you are.
You know we didn’t have to
do anything, right? We could
have just laid here…”
No. We couldn’t have. Not
with you saying “it’s not fair,
it’s not fair. I’m so turned
on now.”
Selfish baby.
“I’ll be back. I want to
shower.”
“Oh, thanks. You can’t wait
to get me out of you and off of you?”
Obviously.
I can’t tell him that,
though.
“No. I just want to redo my
hair… it’s a bit messed up now.”
He chuckles.
I can’t look at him.
I walk out the door.
Hesitate. Close it behind me. Lean against it.
Check to make sure no one is
in the hallway with me.
I just want to hide. I don’t
want anyone to see.
Take a deep breath…
Up and down…. In …. And
out….
No. I can’t take it.
Just walk down the hall to
the shower stall. Just deal.
This is because of me…. (again).
Now I’m standing in the
shower.
I can’t believe I’m in this
place again.
Why do I keep on saying yes?
He is always so good looking,
and his kisses are so sweet….
That’s no excuse.
I know that I can say no.
I want to say no.
So why do I keep on saying
yes?
It’s fine. Nevermind.
I’m just going to take a
shower, like I told him.
It’s just a shower.
I’ll let the heat rinse this
away…..
I’ll just stare at the
gold-flecks in the brown-beige shower wall.
It’s so ugly. I hate it.
I have to get out of the shower soon.
It’s been a while…..
I look down and I see that my skin is red.
I still feel empty. I feel
hallowed out.
Why isn’t this working?
Why do I always think it will work?
I stared at that wall for so
long that all I could feel was the wet heat
washing over my shoulders and
dripping down my back and
flowing down …
You know how people sometimes
say that if you stare at something
for long enough, it will look
like it’s starting to move?
Well, I stared at the wall of
that shower for a long time,
but nothing began to move.
Instead all of the color
began to wash out of it.
I stared at that wall for so
long
that all I could see was no
wall.
I can’t take it.
